My friend's here fron Nicaragua

Hi! My friend, Bill, came to stay for a week. He lives in Nicaragua and had a band named "All Those Wasted Mangos." It disbanded when the people who were in the band went back to their respective countries. I think he really enjoys living there and likes not having to deal with so many people as he's kind of shy.

I had a really bad headache just before he got here--it had lasted 8 days, so when I picked him up, I felt rather exhausted. But the visit's been going quite well and there is one more thing we need to do before he heads back to Nicaragua...but we have a couple more days.

I talked with my Mom for the first time in about 4 months or so. I never thought I'd hear this come out of her mouth, but she apologized for all the bad things she did to me when I was growing up. She also told me that her mother, my maternal Grandmother, had abused her when she wqas growing up: physically, verbally, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, & every other way you can imagine...so it was no wonder Mom had passed that on to her kids. I just thank God I didn't pass it on to my daughter, or I'd have been perpetuating the abuse. Not that she didn't get a spanking once ina long while, but only when she scared me by running in the street and not looking and she got a spank on her bottom because I didn't want her killing herself. I think I spanked her about 12-15 times in her whole life...not like when I was a kid... I was lucky I lived through my childhood and teenage years the abuse was so bad. In the 50's through the 70's, there was no Child Protective Society to help kids and no one really listened to kids, "kids were seen and not heard" was the phrase of choice. No wonder abuse was so rampant, not to mention incest.

Anyway, I was very happy Mom apologized, but even so, I forgave her long ago, but not for what she did--that was unforgivable. The physical abuse was hard enough to deal with, but the head games (emotional, spiritual, verbal) she played were worse by far. It took me years of counseling to get to the point where I even knew what mental health was...and I still got fooled by people who were good at playing those same games.

I learned after a while though...making lists of good qualities that I wanted in friends and boyfriends, as well as lists of negatives to make sure I didn't miss things. It was a lot of work, but I did figure enough out that I did find the man of my dreams, as well as many friends who I enjoy being with and doing things with. It's one of the things people don't realize is that any relationship, whether friendship or love relationship, needs to be worked on. It's not easy, and it never is, and if you never fight, someone is stuffing something they don't want to talk about.

I sometimes feel I spent so much time trying to fix me, that I missed out on lots of other things. I've resolved that though because if I hadn't done the work, I wouldn't be the person I am today--I've become a person that I can say I love and want to know and be friends with...and I don't think many people can say that about themselves. I like being with me and can stand to be alone with myself for hours at a time.

When I was younger, it was easier being drunk or really busy to the point that what I felt like or thought about was buried under tons of stuff. If there are tons of stuff to do or drinking so you cannot think, you never get a chance to love yourself or get to know yourself. And if you don't love yourself or know yourself, then how can anyone else love you or know you. As a famous philospher once said, "Know Thyself." I'd have to say unequivocally that he was absolutely correct.

I heard from Alley, my daughter, via email the other day. She's doing well, and is again living in Seattle. She had a boyfriend who was insecure, jealous and manipulative (which is how her father was with me). Apparently, the city they were living in had floods and they had to be lifted out by helicopter which she thought was "way kewl." She got all her stuff, and when she got to where the helicopter dropped them off, she told him she was leaving, and she did. He was isolating her from family and friends, adn it was only a matter of time before he started to become abusive. It's the same pattern her Dad had when we were first dating, and it only got worse after we married. I stayed with him for almost 10 years (my daughter was 2-years old when I left and divorced him under the domestic violence act in King County), but was so happy after we were apart. Once the divorce was final, April 15, 1986, I cannot tell you how much I celebrated with my friends. It was the happiest I've ever been and the freest I've ever felt.

I have my handmade items on consignment at the new Walla Walla Gift Shop at the Airport. I'm one of 12 artisans who are selling things there. I sell most of the summer at the Farmers' Market (sellilng from the first Saturday in May until the last Saturday in October), and don't make any money during the winter months. Selling my items at the Airport will give me a chance to bring in a bit of money during the months I usually don't get much income.

I also was invited to participate in the 3rd Annual Wine Country Spring Fair in Prosser, WA. It's the second Saturday in May which coincides with the Farmers' Market, but I'll have to wait until my friend leaves on Dec. 7 before I can decide what I want to do. That weekend is the same weekend that the parents/visitors are in town for the graduation ceremonies at Walla Walla College and Whitman College, so it is a HUGE sales day. On the other hand, the Wine Country Spring Fair could be a bigger sales day as more people come to that (thousands, rather than hundreds), so could prove to be quite lucrative. I just need to sit down and work out the numbers.

I taught the spinning class last month and it was really great. The woman I taught already had an inkling of how to spin, having taught herself, but she wanted assurance that she was doing it right and if I could teach her anything she didn't already know, then that would be great as well. She did really well, and I told her that after I taught the class and it was totally over, that I'd like to develop a friendship. She was game to doing that as well, so we're on our way to becoming friends.

I have another knitting class in mid-December though with 6-12 yo girls (maybe a boy or two as well) adn that will be terrific. I like to teach and teaching kids is so fun because they really want to learn. I'm pretty excited about it and will possibly have a chance to teach both spinning and knitting regularly.

In addition, I'm going to be knitting a shrug for a woman who bought a kit and is afraid to knit the shrug. So she was looking for someone to do that, and the owner of the LYS (Local Yarn Shop) suggested me, and will wait until after the holidays to I'll have time to do that. I'm already knitting a pair of socks for my SIL, 4 rabbits for my husband's business partner's wife, a wool sweater for my husband, and a pair of socks for myself. Another friends, Miss C, asked if I'd knit her a shawl, so I need to get together with her so she can pick out the yarn of her choice so I can get working on that as well. In the midst of all of this, I'm spinning and working on small projects to add to my inventory at the airport as well as making more for the Farmers' Market. You can see I have my work cut out for me.

I am sending off 4 or 5 (can't remember how many) scarves down to Sacramento for a friend to give out to the homeless down there. I'm also sending off a tiny lavender teddy bear to a friend who is doing a book that she'll auction off to benefit abused children. Just have to get both boxes down to the Post Office to get them off.

One of the many things I want to do this year is to get some certificates: hand spinning, handknitting, machine knitting and crocheting. Not so much that it will do anything but help me feel that what I'm doing is of the highest quality so I know my clients and customers trust my skills in these endeavors. It also helps people feel more confident about my skills in teaching them what they need to know about these crafts, so I've got a lot on my platter...not to mention that I want to learn to do some bisque ceramics and maybe some clay bead work. I can get them fired locally, and I'm hoping that they'll have some classes soon. I also need to get the glazes and the clay to do the work, but that's coming along as well. The biggest project of all is learning to weave on a loom. We'll see how much I can accomplish this year.

The only thing really stopping me from accomplishing any of this stuff is the head pain I have from the botched brain surgeries and the migraines and the hormonal migraine headaches I get from monthlies and the peri-menopause hormones that I hoipe will finish soon (Doc says it could take from 1-10 years to finish up menopause--oh great). Other than the pain, I'm amazingly healthy...don't know what would happen if I got really ill, but I think I'll do fine until I finally just die in my sleep (at least that's how I'd like to go). We'll see if I can fight against the pain long enough to get what I need to accomplish, accomplished. Keep your fingers crossed.

The nice thing about doing the fiber arts I do is that many are akin to meditation and prayer...like spinning for instance. The sound of the wheel turning, the rhythm of the treadle, the yarn starting from loose fibers and changing into nice even yarn--well, it's all part and parcel of that meditation/prayer feeling. You don't really have to concentrate really hard once you've learned the particulars of spinning, so it leaves your mind clear of that worry. Once the worries are gone, you can let your mind just flow and you find that you can think more clearly. That's the best part...solutions pop into your mind like it was there all along and you're free to act on them or not as you choose. Knitting and crocheting are the same way, unless the stitches or patterns are really intricate because if they're complicated, you have to focus on them rather than the meditation part of knitting or crocheting. But I love doing them anyway.

I hope to hear from you all soon...

Look life full in the face and tell it--YES!--I want it all.

Hugs,
Jet